


Never The Hero

by Dramaticfiction



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: Carmilla Season 3, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotions, F/F, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, thoughts at night
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-22
Updated: 2016-09-22
Packaged: 2018-08-16 15:46:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,069
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8108218
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dramaticfiction/pseuds/Dramaticfiction
Summary: Carmilla has some late night thoughts about...well...everything.





	

You love her.

 

You hate yourself as the thought consumes your mind, but it’s the only thing that’s keeping you from galavanting off into yet another self destructive solo death mission.

All for her.

It’s all for her.

300 years ago, it was you, yourself, all by your lonesome, you being tied down was 500 miles from the last thing on your mind, a blimp on your life plan. Traveling to different worlds, learning their cultures, and tasting all their delicacies awaited you around every corner. It was yours for the taking.

And the food was good too. 

You sink your fangs into every sweet thing that crosses your path and lands in your bed. You drink till your numb. Numb with the pleasure, numb with the high of new blood dripping down your teeth, slowly coating your throat until your lust is satisfied, numb with the pain you feel everyday when you drive your vile teeth into yet another victim.

The thing is a part of you still wants that. You want that bloodlust, you want to be the monster your dearest mother made you, but then again, you don’t. 

You imagine her. Her seeing you in all your beautiful chaos. Her with those petrified eyes. It kills you inside to imagine you could be the cause of that.

It hurts.

It hurts to see her, curled up in the small chair before you. Her chest moving up and down, her hair covering half her face. She’s beautiful and it hurts. 

You want to move towards her, pushing the hair away so you can see that beautiful face that you’ve fallen so hard for.

But you can’t and you don’t think you ever will.

The past is complicated. Yes, she killed your sister, but in a way, you think that it’s ok. 

Oh my god.

It’s ok, you think again. It’s ok because you get it. The circumstances were there, and so was she. She was pushed into a corner, by her friends, by your mother, by Mattie….by you, demanding every ounce of herself to be stretched out in every direction, and it doesn’t come to a shock to you anymore because you finally get it.

Now everything sense.

Here was a college girl, trying to make a name for herself, but instead, thrown into this world of vampires, gods, and being a hero. Something she never wanted and you never wanted it for her.

She gave herself to everyone and expected nothing in return. She made the tough decisions because others refused to. She got back up when her body and soul screamed for mercy.

She tosses and turns in the seat and you lean forward, as if that’s going to do much. You think if she feels your presence, it will calm her some.

Some.

You wonder how she feels about you. Whether or not she still loves you, if she loves you. You wonder if that kiss meant anything at all to her. Sure, you can rationalize it as both being caught up in the moment, but you knew where it was going, you knew the second you began to lean in. You went for it and you loved every second of it. 

To feel her arms around you, her lips against yours again, felt as if the last 300 years were leading to this, right now, her time and you being with her. You remember the touch of her fingers in your hair, the pressure of her arms pulling you in, her perfectly perfect skin, all of it. You remember it all. It may have been days ago but you never know if it was a last kiss. 

The uncertainty is the worst, not only when it comes to her, but in every aspect. You don’t know if you’ll ever be free of your mother, never know if you’ll get your second chance in Paris. You don’t know anything and it scares you.

You’re scared. 

These thoughts bombard you all at once and you want to scream but you try your best to contain it for the sake that sleeping beauty is only a few feet away and the junior Holtzmann is a flight of stairs away. Your eyes begin to water and your breath, that you don’t have, quickens. Your mouth quivers and you can’t stop it. Tears begin to roll down your face and you can’t but gasp. You quickly cover your mouth but it’s too late.

She heard you.

She picks her head up and one look at another and she’s scrambling out of her blanket and kneeling before you. You hang your head in shame. She’s the one who made you out to be the badass strong vampire, can’t imagine what she’s thinking now.

You feel her fingers push your hair out of your face and you look up. Her eyes are filled with worry and sadness. You can’t help but think you put some of that there, you and your stupid never ending battle against your mother. You had no right bringing her into the middle of it all, and you feel so…damn…guilty.

She wraps you in her arms and you feel safe. Those arms of hers, tightly wrapped like a safety net around your shoulders. You give in and fall into her. Your face burrows into her neck and your arms around her waist as she tries to stand for the both of you. 

She quietly attempts to ask you what’s bothering you but you simply can’t find the words. It’s all too much. She settles for you saying so and you stand in this sweet embrace for what feels like a lifetime. 

You know you’re going to have to tell her about it. About how you feel guilty, how this is all truly your fault. You’re going to have to tell her that you want, no need, her. That you can’t survive going on like this and you are more than willing to beg for it too. You need to tell her that you’re not the hero, you never were. She is. 

If and when you two get out of this mess, you promise yourself that you will tell her all that, down to that little begging part that you’re not so proud of. You promise because she deserves it.

She deserves everything because of one fact, and one fact alone.

 

You love her.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed!
> 
> Late nights train of thought about what Carmilla might be thinking.


End file.
